yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
