Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
