Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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