i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
