I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
