i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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