Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Randomize
