Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
