I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
