i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
