I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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