I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
