You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Ambien. No doubt about it.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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