I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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