I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
