I'm eating all of the evidence.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
