Me. At least after what I've been through.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
