i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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