sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
