About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The uberlube is also flammable
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
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