soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
