This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Randomize
