God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Randomize