When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize