he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
