Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
