I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
