Four minutes until I can fart!
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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