Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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