He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
