Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
