Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
