I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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