she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
