ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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