weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
