Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize