upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Randomize
