"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Randomize
