he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize