epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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