it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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