ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
