Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
