im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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