I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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