now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
