can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
So many bounce houses so little time
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
