Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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