And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Randomize
