My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
