Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
