Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
