She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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