I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
