He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
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